


Dark

by Quilser



Category: Mamamoo, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Dark Humor, Denial of Feelings, Established Relationship, F/F, Friends With Benefits, One-sided feelings, Potential Dub-Con, Slice of Life, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-07-17 08:05:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quilser/pseuds/Quilser
Summary: It was supposed to be fun. It always had been.It wasn't supposed to be this. This was something so much worse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna warn everyone now. I was in a MOOD when I wrote this and it's pretty dark. Everything from some M rated content to implied suicidal thinking to potential dub-con (though I'm kind of iffy on this because it's not extreme or even necessarily existant, but I'd rather tag and be wrong than not tag and someone get hurt from reading this sooooo)  
> Still very much a Wheesa story that I kind of had a different path going for in my head, but then it just devolved into this dark piece of shite so cheers everyone to an angst filled, zero-fluff read. Request are still welcomed but all comments are appreciated loves <3
> 
> There is Wenrene. It was a decision made in chapter 2. That is alllllll
> 
> Also I post all of these over on my aff account under the same name as this one if you'd prefer to read these and some of my other works on there

She was sure that she was a masochist. How couldn’t she be? She had to be. Why else would she enjoy this so much; the weighted breaths lowering themselves down her body, the nail like claws drawing red lines of shame into her sides, all of it was so sick if she took a moment to think about it. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t think about it. She hated thinking. That’s what brought her here.

The room felt heavier than normal. It’d been a longer day than she’d planned it to be and now Wheein felt more akin to a ragdoll than a human being. Was she being used? She probably was, but wasn’t she using this too? Wasn’t she using the girl who left goosebumps across glistening skin and made her lips yearn for the taste that so faintly remained on them from moments prior. 

They used each other.

That was the nature a of deal like this. It was the nature of most things in the world, but this was an exemplar case. When one of them would get needy, or stressed, or simply indifferent to the notion of spending the night alone, all it would take is a careful prodding into the apartment of another and a slip under another's covers to fight off those unwanted feelings. Anything was better than where their minds had been, or so Wheein thought for the longest of times.

When it had all begun back during their trainee days, it’d seemed simple enough. Watching each other get off turned to providing a helping hand, to providing two, to providing a helping tongue and...well it wasn’t hard to put those pieces together. Wheein should probably be thinking about those helping things she was far too familiar with, but instead her mind drifted elsewhere.

It had been drifting the last few times they’d met up. To some degree, Wheein felt like it was only natural. What they did together had become somewhat mundane. Gone were the days of tiring themselves out to near exhaustion and sinking into an semi-familiar bed for a nights rest. Now persisted the days of reaching the goal they’d come to achieve before one would rip themselves away in favor of their own bed, their own sheets, their own feelings. A clear head and an empty hard were easy things to work with after all.

Wheein had been the best at such practices for so long. She’d weaseled her way in out of a different apartment for nights on end with no mind paid to the wants nor needs of the one she was intruding upon. Caring was a task performed with the sun and as that sun fell, the moon gave way to the hunger within that would best be satisfied under the weight of another.

It hadn’t been until she’d walked in, perhaps, to near to the sun that Wheein had been jolted from her otherwise second nature habits. A knock on the door, two, three later and still no reply sent Wheein reaching for a key she’d been told only to use in emergencies. Even at this moment Wheein couldn’t understand why she felt the lack of response had qualified as an emergency in her mind.   
As she turned that key into the lock though, and creaked open a much too heavy door, the sight she’d been met with was familiar but in a different regard. Staring back at her was her bandmate, yes, but not the one she’d come to see.

Yongsun’s eyes were wide as she stared at Wheein from her position on the bed. Headphones were locked into her hears and Wheein might’ve been able to hear an otherwise booming beat had it not been from the drum her heart was playing into her ears.

Was she embarrassed to have come?

Embarrassed to have been caught?

Shaken by the notion that she wasn’t the only one who thought to arrive?

Her heart didn’t tell her that much. The thrumming was all she got and it got no better as Hyejin entered with only a shirt on with nothing underneath. Only then did Wheein take the time too look Yongsun over. Messied hair and similar attire told her what she needed to know. The fact that the t-shirt sitting loosely on Yongsun’s slightly smaller frame was really one Wheein had left at Hyejin’s years ago only worsened that incessant thrumming. Wheein couldn’t stand it.

With a curt nod coupled with an apology and a move to place the key on the nearest solid surface, Wheein retreated into the hallway that seemed far more comforting than whatever was going on inside that newly unfamiliar apartment. Her feet carried her away from the building with no indication of where she was going and if not for a buzzing on her phone from the call of a manager, Wheein might not have realized that she’d been walking in the snow for a few hours.

Funny how cold singes less than losing your place in the life of another. That’s what Wheein thought about at least until a overly concerned manager drove a van in front of her and ushered her into the vehicle before speeding off in the direction of her home. Their apartment building. All of theirs.

Recalling it all, Wheein felt that she was even more confused over how she ended up here. She hadn’t even thought about it when she’d ventured over to Hyejin’s apartment without a second thought and moved to knock this time around as the key still hadn’t been placed back into it’s convenient hiding spot. Hyejin had opened the door in a slow manner as though expecting a delivery and not the face a common bandmate, a friend. A sly smile was all Wheein got as she was dragged into the apartment and thrown onto a bed she wished she was less familiar with. She enjoyed this. It’s what she needed. It’s what they both needed.

And so it persisted.

It hadn’t always been that way: a need rather than a want. At one time, they’d both looked at one another with less hunger and more curiosity. Experimenting wasn’t a new concept per say but it wasn’t exactly a common one. To find such a willing participant in the eyes of one they’d known for the better part of their whole lives was even more rare. 

That first night it felt like they’d crossed no-mans-land meant only for the most hardened of soldiers. They’d carried with them nothing but a want to reach the other side, or better yet find another in the middle. That’s what made it so interesting. The simple thought of finding someone else like themselves was enough to warrant the potential bloodshed. When they’d both arrived and found no injuries to mention, it was like having won at a game that neither had known they’d rolled the dice for, and so started the rest of their existence. 

It could almost be classified as sweet the way they started. Simple touches, being mindful of the hums they incurred and the shakes that could follow, is what they studied. A new science to devote their experimentation towards consumed most of their “after-work-hours”. Never would they admit the times such after-hours slipped into times between performances and shoots.

To say the least, Wheein had grown a certain fondness for closets and supposedly locked store rooms that were left decimated in the wake of a particular pairing.

They thrived on the excitement. The thought of being caught only spurred them, no doubt adding to the feeling of masochism that populated Wheein’s soul at this point, but it was fun. It was all supposed to be fun and then one day it was like a switch flipped.

Wheein couldn’t remember who’d snapped first. The thought of one of them being any different than they were now was so foreign in concept. This was the only reality Wheein bothered to familiarize herself with anymore. Why bother thinking about things that were?

If she was being honest, Wheein couldn’t really remember what it was to be with Hyejin without the certain undertones encompassing them. Nothing was soft like it once was. No time was spent on the subtlety or foreplay or the sweet whispers that once followed their encounters. Wheein missed those the most. They acted as a reaffirmation that nothing had changed between them. They were returned to their normal selves once those lust filled eyes gave way to the friendship they’d shared for years. It was nice. 

Now though, no such things existed. It was just broken silences intermingled with the dread of knowing that it will end. All of it, this moment, the next, them, they’ll end just as everything else does eventually. The thought sickened Wheein.

She hadn’t noticed that she’d managed to move on top of the girl who’d started this whole mess for the night. The true automation behind every movement was telling enough in and of itself. That’s not what jumped started Wheein back into reality though. A hand gripping ever tighter onto her wrist as she pumped into the girl beneath had been what caught her attention.

Hyejin never touched her hands while they were like this. The whole point was that someone got to sit back and relax while the other person released any and all of those pesky thoughts trapped in the receivers mind. That was the point wasn’t it? 

On instinct, Wheein stopped moving and peered at Hyejin. She could practically feel the haze surrounding her slide off like a coat, but it was replaced by a certain level of confusion.

While Wheein had thought that Hyejin might be hurt or something, but instead she was met with a face filled with anything but pain. Instead, staring back at her were half-opened eye that were seemingly trying to speak as if a mouth couldn’t do it all the same.

“I...I--want to tr--try something…” Hyejin’s words were breathy and they took Wheein slightly off guard. She hadn’t heard Hyejin speak during their brief interactions in some time and to come back with such a statement seemed a bit off. Instead of arguing though, Wheein silently slipped off of Hyejin and allowed the other girl to move towards a drawer near the side of the bed.

Wheein heard the drawer open but couldn’t draw herself to peer at it’s contents. The mild ruffling of the items that Hyejin’s hand pushed and shoved aside was all that could be heard in the darkened room.

When Hyejin pulled back a rose colored blindfold Wheein almost asked a confused series of questions, but instead restrained herself and waited for the explanation.

“Can you put this on?” The question sounded innocent, but the way Hyejin approached Wheein by crawling across the bed implied other intentions. Apparently Wheein’s lack of answer and continued fixation on the girl crawling towards her was enough of an answer for Hyejin as she finished her approach and tilted Wheein’s head back only to cover her vision in black. 

It was dark in the room before, sure, but this was different. Wheein was blind, unable to even see her own place in this newly vast room and that thought gnawed at her slightly. As Hyejin’s hands came to grip her thighs, not land on, grip, with an uncomfortable feeling of malice behind them, Wheein felt that gnawing turn into slashing. Painful strokes made across the barren parts of her soul that normally hid behind her eyes. Despite them being covered, her emotions still felt more open than normal and she didn’t like it.

Being thrown onto the bed and mounted wasn’t exactly a fun feeling to have either. This normally happened, but somehow Wheein felt this differently. She wasn’t being thrown down to please someone else, she was being thrown down merely to avoid throwing her away. It was almost like someone was trying to get the last of the usage out of her before she’d just go to waste. 

Hyejin was quick to trail her hands across the bare skin of Wheein’s abdomen. The feeling made Wheein want to jerk away. Lips on open breasts felt no better as Wheein tried to convince herself that everything was fine. This was what they always did. This is what they’d always done.

Hyejin’s lips on her own were the hardest to ignore. A bite here, and a nip there followed by a piercing tongue with no warning other than the harsh grip Hyejin’s nails had on the back of Wheein’s neck were too much for Wheein to ignore.

This was all so wrong to her.

She was sure she would have noticed if this was what had been occurring all along. Was this not what they’d been doing? Had something changed? Had she done something?

Hyejin seemed oblivious to Wheein’s silent pleads for understanding as she continued on. Wheein couldn’t seem to unclench her fists and say something. She couldn’t think of what to say to Hyejin.

This wasn’t the Hyejin she wanted. This wasn’t the one she needed.

That’s when it hit her. Despite staring right into the eyes of the girl she’d been on this journey with for the last few years, night after night of the same interactions, she’d never put together that she hadn’t been staring at the same girl for some time. The face was the same, but it was like someone else had replaced that inner part that she wanted most.

All this time, she’d been staring at Hyejin willing herself to see what she needed to see, but with that option stripped from her, all that was left was the cold hands of someone she could no longer recognize.

She hadn’t exactly meant it when she squirmed back into a ball against the headboard. Thinking on how it must’ve looked, Wheein realized that she must have looked like a scared child. Wasn’t she though? She felt like it. 

Fast hands went to move the blindfold from her eyes and as Wheein sat, curling more into herself with every passing second, she was face to face with nothing but confusion. No concern, no worry, just confusion. Hyejin’s eyes looked as though they were taking in an abstract piece of art and not the wounded shell of a person she called a friend.

Wheein was unaware that she’d started crying until drops began falling onto her hands where they were tucked into her chest. Her knees were now pressed tightly against her keeping both her arms and tears corralled into one place. 

“What’s wrong?” There was still no concern in Hyejin’s voice. It almost felt foreign at this point. Even someone who didn’t know Wheein might’ve cared a bit given the current state of her. Maybe that was the problem though. Hyejin did know her. She knew her too well, too much to care.

“I need to go.” Wheein threw the blindfold in Hyejin’s directions before she moved off the bed and quickly started picking up the pieces of clothing that had been scattered about the room. Gathering what she could and deciding that anything left behind was better off burned than returned to her, Wheein ran off into the hallway and down the stairs that had become like a welcomed embrace for her as of late.

As her shoes crunched against the shell of snow that had covered the sidewalks in the night hours, a deep breath was all it took before Wheein was running, full sprint, towards something she could only note as “far away”. 

The air burned her lungs as she inhaled. Her heart was beating so fast that she could’ve sworn it weren’t beating at all. It was nice. She wanted this. She needed this. 

Her legs could only take her so far though. It was far enough. A bridge was what connected her to the rest of the world. Despite her connection to the ground, it almost felt as though she were floating. She could’ve sworn that she was peering down on herself.

That’s what made it strange as she climbed the railing. It was slippery with the ice and snow that had settled on it. The metal bars singed her fingertips as they clung to the weight the bars seemed to give her. The bars attacking her with their cold malice as if trying to veer her away. Trying to stop her from thinking.

She was sitting on the railing before she could put two and two together. Her legs dangled as she stared down at the blackened water below. Black. Like a blindfold. Like a thought. Like a soul.

Thinking hurt too much. Was this what it was like to be flooded by thought? Was this what she had to look forward too? What else could she do?

Perhaps...she could just unclench her fists. Allow the metal to veer her towards that blackness below.

Maybe that’s would be nice. Maybe that’s what she wanted. Maybe that’s what she needed.


	2. Railing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wheein was on the edge, but sometimes you need someone else to pull you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Yes. This was a oneshot. But now it isn't. Mostly because I forgot to post the chapters on ao3 and was only posting them on aff. Whoops. ANYWAY this story is also going to be containing Wenrene. Like. A good amount of Wenrene alongside Wheesa (which is still the main idea, but please allow my Wenrene heart to go on if you'd be so kind). Point being, I hope you enjoy and if for some reason you'd prefer reading on aff, this story is under the same name and my profile name is the same. HAVE FUN (and please be warned about my dark humor in this chapter...and the rest of the story...if that bothers you)

If ever coldness could encompass somebody, it had managed to do just that to Wheein. Maybe it was the tinge of winter air or perhaps she herself was cold from the inside out, but all she knew was that the air around her somehow seemed to match who she was at the moment. What she was now.

As she thought more about just letting go of that railing the idea crossed her mind about what her own death would entail. This decision had been one of pure impulse so it hadn’t really been something she’d concerned herself with before.

What would the news say? Would she be classified as just another singer who couldn’t keep it together? Would she be a martyr on a crusade to recognize mental health? Would she just fade into oblivion as so many had before her? She wasn’t so popular anyway, right?

Then she thought about the fans. Popular or not, they’d know if she was gone. There’d probably be a public memorial sponsored by her company just so they could say goodbye, but they’d support the group with or without her. She knew that. She would amount to nothing more than a brief moment of loss in Mamamoo’s history and besides a simple song dedication and maybe even a few teary-eyed interviews, the loss of her wouldn’t be that substantial.

So she told herself.

Of course, beyond the media, the company, the fans, stood the eyes of 3 other girls she’d come to call her members, her friends, her family even, at time. Perhaps not now, but who’s keeping track?

What would they think of her loss? She’d never had as remarkable a talent like Moonbyul did with rapping. In a group of singers she often felt like the weakest link. She’d never been a standout visual like Yongsun so she wouldn’t be ruining anything by exiting in that regard. That left performance, but who looked at her when someone like Hyejin stood adjacent. How could anyone consider her an equal when Hyejin was miles from where Wheein could ever dream of being.

No. Wheein was certain of it. If she were to leave, it would be like a baby bird failing to fly on their first leap: depressing as the world watches them crash to the ground, but forgettable when the other baby birds fly on just fine.

Her palms had begun to sweat despite the cold. Was she nervous? She couldn’t pinpoint all of her feelings, but she was sure she didn’t feel scared. There’s no need to feel scared when it would be so fast, so painless. All that was left was to let go. 

With her heart ripped from her chest and resting in her hands, Wheein’s fingers started to unlace themselves from the metal railing they’d been clinging to. As she started to slip, she closed her eyes and listened to the silence that only the snow in the dead of winter can provide.  
A silence fit to muffle the splash of her weight into the darkness, the break of her soul into forever.

 

 

“You know, studies show that dying is super bad for your health.” 

The snow hadn’t muffled that.

A voice drifted into Wheein’s ears and her eyes shot open thus causing her fingers to clasp once more around the metal that had befriended them. 

Wheein looked around frantically and came to find a simple enough looking girl in a puffy winter coat and a scarf looking up at her from her place in the snow. She didn’t look too terribly concerned with the situation as she rested with her hands just barely inside the pockets of her jacket, the puffiness acting like a constrictor to any movement she wished to make besides that.

Repeating the girl’s words in her mind, Wheein couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. It was a dry laugh though with no more emotion than someone would have looking at a video on their phone. Wheein’s head proceeded to drop from holding the other girl’s gaze as if to hide the look in her own eyes as she stared back at the water she’d expected to have greeted already by now.

As if the other girl was trying to keep surprising her, Wheein was quick to notice the crunch of snow under shoes as the railing she sat on shook slightly and a figure appeared in her peripheral. 

Taking a quick look at the other girl, Wheein noticed that she still seemed very calm. Her legs swung back and forth like she was on a high bar stool and not a railing of a bridge hovering over blackened water below. If Wheein didn’t know any better she might even say that the other girl was smiling.

“You shouldn’t---I mean...Maybe you should…” Wheein tried to stutter off the words to convince the other girl to get down, but couldn’t help but notice the hypocrisy in her own words with every sentence she could think to say. What right did she have to tell the girl to get down when she sat in the same precarious position.

“What am I supposed to do with myself after watching someone die? That’s a bit too fucked, even for me. So I might as well join you since I stumbled upon this bridge in the first place.” There was no sense of regret in the girl’s words as if death was a possibility she had been prepared for her whole life and not something that should be feared.

Hearing this, a feeling of protection started to develop in Wheein. She couldn’t help but want to protect this girl who seemed too complacent with whatever happened for her own good. What if she got hurt because of Wheein? Or worse followed her down. Wheein couldn’t fathom the idea as she once again attempted to urge the girl down.

“Look, I really appreciate you trying to help, but I think it’d be better if you go home. It’s late and you should be in bed, not walking around freezing to death.” Wheein stopped abruptly after hearing what she’d said. Freezing to death. That was beyond ironic in the place they were sitting, but what else was she supposed to say other than, “GET DOWN!”?

“No can do. I don’t think I’d manage very well knowing I left someone to die. Would you? Oh, and my name’s Wendy, but you can call me Seungwan if it’s easier. Figure you might want to be able to find me when we get to heaven or whatever after this.” Wheein couldn’t help but let the name Wendy roll around in her head a few times before it drifted across her tongue.

“Wendy.” If she was being honest, Wheein had assumed she’d thought the name and not said it, but with a quick confirmation from Wendy, a level of embarrassment covered her cheeks.

“And who might I have the pleasure of dying with tonight?” The fake-formality in her voice mixed with a joking hand gesture conjured a laugh of all things out of Wheein as she let one of her hands free to cover her mouth. Wendy seemed pleased at her accomplishment as she turned forward and looked out onto the expanse of the river in front of her.

Wendy did the same and took note of the street lamps posted on walkways next to the river. If she squinted, she could almost make out the few individuals who were as crazy as them to be out right now. Although restaurants and store fronts were seemingly lifeless with locked doors and pulled shudders, Wheein could only imagine how busy they’d be once the sun rose and the moon fade back to its distant playground in the sky.

The thought was almost comforting. It made Wheein question how much longer there was until morning.

“My name’s Wheein.” 

The statement came off-guard for both Wendy and Wheein. In her mind, Wheein hadn’t planned to say anything. Part of her was hoping that Wendy would bore of her and walk off into the night just as peacefully as she’d approached, but any chance of that happening went out the window with Wheein’s words.

“Well, Wheein, it’s wonderful to meet you.” A hand was extended in her direction and Wheein took it with a hesitant approach. Wendy only smiled as their hands met, but the warmth radiating off of her stood in stark contrast to how Wheein was feeling.

For the first time that night, warmth had felt better than the cold.

Wendy retracted her hand and Wheein did the same and as they both gripped back onto the metal railing that was holding them back from their own demise, a peaceful silence filled the space around them.

“You know, I get the whole dying thing and all of that, but if I die on an empty stomach I might just kill myself. Any way we can reschedule this little event until after we go eat some ramen?”

Wheein only then noticed the slight tingle of hunger in her stomach and the way her body had started rejecting the cold sometime ago. As she thought about it, part of her really didn’t want to be sitting on the railing anymore and while she wasn’t sure if that feeling would be permanent, she knew that for now it’d probably be best to listen to it.

“Yeah. Yeah ok, let’s do that.”

-`-`-`-`-`-`-

It hadn’t taken the pair long to find a convenience store despite a little confusion about where exactly they were. As they walked Wheein was made aware that Wendy had been unable to sleep and had decided to go for a walk to hopefully tire herself out. The fact that she’d landed on the bridge just as Wheein had was a mere coincidence.

Wheein was thankful that Wendy hadn’t asked about why she’d been on that railing. She wouldn’t have known what to say even if she had asked. The reason’s she’d compiled while sitting on the railing seemed particularly insignificant now as she walked the streets with a person who’d been kind enough to care, even if only for a moment. 

Everything seemed to be going great until the pair walked into the convenience store and Wheein was recognized by the cashier. Once they’d gotten their cups of ramen the cashier had kindly asked for a picture and despite her current appearance, Wheein agreed as she hated seeing the fans upset.

After the picture had been taken and the pair had walked to the window to eat at the bar area, the questioning look Wheein received from Wendy was enough to warrant an explanation from her end.

“I’m in an idol group. We just finished promoting our new song so we’re still a little relevant I guess.” Wheein tried to remain as relaxed as Wendy seemed to be while taking the news, but a blush of nervousness still creeped onto her face knowing that this could completely change the way Wendy saw her.

“Oh that’s cool. I’m just in Korea for university so I don’t really keep up with all the idol stuff. Hope I didn’t make you mad for not recognizing you.” Wendy laughed at her own comment as she took a long slurp of ramen noodles from her cup and looked out the window to watch the snow that had recently begun to fall.

Wheein smiled to herself as it seemed that this new girl was full of surprises and Wheein would be lying if she said it wasn’t nice to be surprised every once in a while.

As they both ate away at their cups of ramen, Wheein felt a similar warmth from before continue to ensnare her. She was practically sinking into it at this point. While the ramen warmed her stomach, that new warmth warmed her soul and Wheein very much appreciated the feeling.

It didn’t take long before ramen cups were empty and silence turned from comfortable to stale. Wheein managed a glance at her watch only to realize that it was close to 6 am. Sighing deeply, she knew that this night would have to end soon. Even if it started off so miserably, Wheein wished she could do it all over again just to spend more time with a caring person for just a little while longer.

“Do you have anywhere to stay tonight?” 

The question was a bit of a shock. In her mind, Wheein had imagined that the next words said between them would be ones of goodbye. Wheein was even more shocked when she heard the word “No” slip from her lips.

“You can stay at my place then. There’s an extra bedroom that never gets used so I’m sure it’d appreciate a friend for a change.” It wasn’t really a question, and Wheein knew it. She was staying at Wendy’s at least for the rest of the evening and that much was final. To say she minded though would be very far off from her actual feelings. 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-

“So the room is down their to the left. My room is right across so if you need anything during the night just knock and I’ll help you out.” Wheein hadn’t been in a strangers home ever. Who had really? If she didn’t feel such care coming from the other girl she’d probably have assumed she was about to be kidnapped or something, but that definitely wasn’t the case.

Looking around the apartment, it seemed much bigger than Wheein would’ve assumed of a university student. It was in one of the most secure apartment buildings in Seoul and was double the size of her apartment. 

It was filled to the brim with paintings and musical instruments scattered around with 5 different guitars visible from the front door alone. In addition to all of that were the plentiful amount of photographs of Wendy and a girl that looked incredibly familiar to Wheein.

“Do you have a roommate?” Wheein was staring at one photo in particular that looked like it’d been taken as a polaroid and somehow blown up. The girl in the photo with Wendy was laughing hysterically while Wendy was the one seemingly taking the picture with a gleaming smile on her face.

“Um...something like that.” Wheein glanced over at Wendy when she heard her speak and noticed the other girl scratch her head awkwardly before she returned to her calm demeanor and went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. She offered the same for Wheein, but after refusing Wheein continued to look around the apartment.

Every picture that Wheein saw seemed to be getting a little closer to intimate in regards to the two girls in the photo. It went from simple laughter to endearing staring between the pair and finally a picture of the other girl planting a kiss on Wendy’s cheek. 

Wheein took all of this in before asking where the bathroom was. Wendy pointed aimlessly towards the hallway as she seemed more tuned in to the images on her phone.

Wheein was thankful for a brief moment of disinterest from the other girl. She’d felt like a little too much attention had been put on her that night and was more than willing to take a break. Caring was nice, but she could only take so much at once. 

As Wheein exited the restroom, Wendy directed her attention to the girl once more before beginning to speak.

“So I put some towels in your room if you wanted to take a shower or anything and if you’re still hungry there’s plenty of --” Wendy was cut off with the sound of the front door opening. Wheein might’ve been surprised, but Wendy looked down right confused, if not slightly scared. 

Turning away from Wheein, Wendy made her way to a place that she could see the front door from as their current position allowed neither a line of sight. As she rounded the corner, that look of fear turned to one of shear happiness as she lit up like a light bulb.


	3. Welcome Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Irene always loved coming home.

Irene walked out of the airport amists flashing lights and piercing cries of praise with an uncomfortable lack of space separating her from the rest of her group members. While the company had assured her that they wouldn’t make this early return to Korea public, it seemed like word had been let out all the same.

Don’t get her wrong.

Irene loved her fans and appreciated their dedication to her music and overall career, but sometimes she wished to leave an airport without an entourage. Or do anything without a gathering of individuals beside her. 

Fans and managers acted a lot more similar than the public generally gave credit. They always watched, always pried as they attempted to notice the slightest chips in armor covering those they’d promised to care for or otherwise love. Irene was all too aware of the role that such people could play in her life, but she was lucky. Somehow she’d managed to land the managers that were as nice to her as parents and bandmates as close to her as siblings. The fans being ever so gracious wasn’t a bad mix to swallow either.

“You’d think we hadn’t been back to Korea in years. Like, seriously what the hell?” Joy was the first to speak up as the door to the van they’d just entered shut. Irene almost reprimanded the younger girl for cursing while so close to fans but when she turned to see Seulgi landing a quick knuckle to the top of Joy’s head in the form of a warning tap she decided against it. 

“Oh come on. It’s not like I screamed it. They can’t hear us.” Joy attempted to back herself up while rubbing at the spot Seulgi had tapped as though she’d actually been hurt. Irene couldn’t help but shake her head at the girl.

“They can’t but I can. Baby ears. Remember?” Yeri spoke this time in a childish tone she only used when she was trying to get a rile out of Joy. Irene laughed as Yeri proceed to cover her ears and make like she’d been wounded somehow as she faked cried and leaned back in her seat.

“Shut up. You’re the worst out of all of us you little dwarf.” A hard kick was thrown against the back of Yeri’s chair sending her bouncing forward slightly much to the managers displeasure, but as the rest of the 3 girls not pouting because of the kick started laughing, the manager couldn’t help but join in.

Once the laughter died down, Irene realized that they’d made it further into the city. The thought of growing closer to home put a smile on her face leaving her to daydream with only the passing street lamps to keep her grounded.

“Careful guys. I think Irene might erupt from lovey-dovey emotions if we aren’t careful.” Yeri’s voice once again captured Irene’s attention as she snapped her head to the side to see what the girl was talking about. 

“What?” Irene’s utter confusion led to another outbreak of laughter in the car and Irene could do nothing but blush slightly knowing that she was being laughed at rather than with.

“Oh come on guys. I think it’s nice that Irene has someone to go home too. Even if she does spend every. Single. Night. Talking to her anyway.” Seulgi spoke this time being much more pointed than she usually was. Irene couldn’t blame her though. Often times, her and Seulgi shared hotel rooms to escape the evil maknae line, but Irene usually stayed up chatting to Wendy no matter the time difference or inconvenience. She’d always apologize afterwards, but it never stopped her from doing it again.

A high five was shared between Seulgi and Joy while Yeri continued laughing. Irene shoved her slightly only causing her to laugh more as she faced the window once again with an even wider smile plastered on her face.

Did she love Wendy? Unquestionably so. Did she adore the family she found in her bandmates though. Without a doubt. 

“Alright, so who am I dropping off first tonight?” The manager spoke for the first time since they’d entered the van and Irene took a look at all the other members before giving an answer.

Sure they’d been laughing and joking around, but Irene wasn’t oblivious to the tired eyes that lay well concealed behind makeup and practiced smiles. She was well aware that her bandmates always had the life taken out of them from travelling so much and knowing that, despite desperately wanting to see the girl she’d been missing so much since the moment she’d left, Irene directed the manager to drop off the other girls before taking her home.

Wendy could wait just a little longer. 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-

Irene waved off her manager for the night as she began to walk into the apartment building her and Wendy had called home for the last 3 years. It had been the first big step they’d made when they first had gotten together and seeing it always gave Irene the same fuzzy feeling it had the first day she’d walked in with Wendy’s hand connected to her own.

Upon entering, Irene quickly found her way to the elevator and punched in her floor before waiting the seemingly endless trek upwards before the doors dinged open. Inputting the code into the front door, Irene attempted to make as little noise as possible as she glided into the warmth of her home. Their home.   
It was only after a few moments that Irene saw a nervous face pop out from around the corner to stare at her. With a smile she looked at the one she’d been trying to get back to all night.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Japan!” The smile on Wendy’s face warmed Irene’s heart as she shook her head slightly.

“I wanted to surprise you. And I happened to fly in early so it seemed perfect.” Wendy just continued to smile as though she’d seen the most precious thing to her and Irene couldn’t help herself as she dropped her bags and went running towards the other girl. This trip had been much longer than the usual ones and Irene would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little desperate to touch the other girl at this point.

Irene ducked her head into Wendy’s shoulder and inhaled deeply. Wendy smelled like home. She always did, and Irene found it intoxicating. At least that’s what she was thinking when she connected her lips to that of the other girl. 

Hands placed themselves on her hip as she continued kissing Wendy and without much thought, Irene bit down on Wendy’s lips asking her for entrance. Wendy agreed and Irene felt herself melt into the other girl with ease. 

Seeing where this was going, Irene made the quick decision to slip a hand down Wendy’s torso, being careful to graze against more sensitive areas as she went, before settling between Wendy’s legs.

What normally would have acted like a personally delivered invitation to Wendy only resulted in Irene feeling a gentle hand wrap itself around her wrist and stop her from moving any further down. 

“Babe, you-- babe you need to...stop.” Hearing those words just barely slip from Wendy’s lips left Irene very concerned and she instantly retracted herself. Wendy was never like this when she came back from a trip. Usually she’d missed the physical contact just as much as Irene and was more than willing to make up for lost time, but the refusal caught Irene off guard and she immediately jumped to the worst.

“Do you not want to? You always want to when I come back from trips. Are you ok?” Irene knew her words would’ve sounded pushy to anyone else, but she knew Wendy like the back of her hand and this was distinctly un-Wendy.

Looking into the eyes of the girl who was acting so unlike herself, Irene noticed a sort of fear in them that she hadn’t before. Seeing this only made her more worried as the other girl spoke.

“We have company.” 

The whispered words caused a knee-jerk reaction from Irene as she ripped herself away from Wendy as only years of training can prepare a person to do. Looking around, Irene’s eyes instantly landed on someone she neither expected nor really wanted to see at the particular moment, but realizing the position she was just in made it even less enjoyable.

Without thinking, Irene attempted to speak but couldn’t find the words to say. She didn’t want to risk a look at Wendy, although a look would’ve been the least scandalous thing she’d done with the other in the last few seconds. Instead she continued to search her brain for absolutely anything to say.

“I--Um...Hello. It’s very nice to meet you Wheein-ssi.” 

All Irene could do at this point was revert back to her most basic training. Wheein was technically her sunbae after all, so maybe she could just get out of this by being polite. 

Yes. She recognized the stupidity in her own thoughts, but someone else, another idol for that matter, and just witnessed her come on to her girlfriend in a way even her friends hadn’t seen so all Irene could really go off at this point were the bare bones of what she knew.

“Hello. It’s nice to meet you. You’re recent comeback...it’s um--it’s really good. Just...so you--know.” Oh thank god. At least Irene wasn’t the only uncomfortable one in all of this. With a curt nod of appreciation, Irene finally looked at Wendy to see the other girl avoiding her eyes with a cringe plastered on her face.

“Um. Wheein-ssi. We...what you just saw---it was um...well I--” Irene tried to search for the words to unwrite the situation she’d just put herself in, but couldn’t quite seem to find them as she stumbled over her own sentence. 

“It’s totally fine. I’m not...uncomfortable---with that...kind of thing.” It was Wheein’s turn to avoid eye contact as she seemed to find something very interesting about the ground beneath her as she stared intently at it while fiddling with her hands.

Irene was sure she’d misheard though, or perhaps misinterpreted what had just been said. Throwing another glance, this time questioning, in Wendy’s direction, Irene watched as the other girl shrugged with just as much confusion as she was feeling. Looking back at Wheein, Irene realized that clarification could be saved for a different time.

“Well, Wheein-ssi, thank you for your understanding. I appreciate it very much.” Irene did one of the best bows she could manage and held it until a tap landed on her back. Upon standing up, Irene noticed that Wendy was now looking at her with a “Will you cool it with the formalities look”. It was Irene’s turn to shrug.

“Wheein. You can just call me Wheein.” Wheein’s eyes were off the ground and back on Irene and Wendy. It was only then that Irene took the time to notice the look in Wheein’s eyes. She’d been crying, that much was obvious, but there was something else there. It was something much darker than tears could ever give way to.

Wendy took it upon herself to face Wheein and say something about the shower still being open if she’d like it and Wheein nodded as though sensing the tension in the room before leaving down the hall. Irene was still staring off into space though, trying to understand what exactly she’d seen in the other girl, but Wendy was right there to bring her back to reality.

“Wendy. Explain.” Those were the only words that Irene could manage before she walked herself over to the couch and landed on it with a loud plop followed by Wendy’s much more cautious sit.

Irene’s hand found her forehead as her fingers tried to massage out the confusion filling her mind. It didn’t last long though as Wendy was quick to grab that hand and start rubbing at the skin she could with her thumb.

“I found her on a ledge Irene. A literal ledge. Like a railing. Looking into the river. She was about to…” Wendy trailed off and Wendy was quick to look at her with a look of concern upon hearing what had actually happened. All she saw was that Wendy had stopped making circles with her thumb and was now staring down with barely a breath leaving her body.

Without thinking, Irene’s arms were quick to wrap around Wendy and hold her for a moment while Wendy attempted to settle herself. When she’d finally calmed, Irene released her to hear the rest of what had happened.

It took a few moments before Wendy gathered up the will to speak again. Irene should’ve realized that Wendy wouldn’t just invite someone she’d never met into their home without a reason. While still holding tight to Wendy, she almost felt stupid for not putting it together. 

“I just sat with her for a while, ya know? I didn’t know what else to do. Thankfully she got down and we got some ramen and...and I guess I just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t go back.” Irene nodded as Wendy spoke, her thumb now being the one to rub circles into Wendy’s thigh. 

“Hey. It’s ok. How long does she need to stay?” Irene tried to speak in the most calming way she could, but even she noticed the way her voice shook ever so slightly. 

“I...I don’t know. I just offered her the spare room. I figured she could use the company.” Irene nodded once again before placing her hands on either side of Wendy’s face and pulling her in for a soft kiss. Once their lips had parted, Irene stayed close to Wendy’s face and focused on the breaths she could feel coming from the other girl.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Irene smiled when she saw the faintest sign of happiness cross Wendy’s features. With one more peck, Irene released the other girl and, as though a switch had been flipped, Wendy resumed her normal persona and got excited to see Irene once more.

Sometimes it was disconcerting to Irene at how easily Wendy could flip on and off the switch of emotions. She knew it wasn’t that Wendy didn’t trust her, if she really didn’t trust her she’d never see the switches flip in the first place, it was just Wendy’s way of dealing with the world; especially a world filled of things she hadn’t being reminded of.

Irene knew that if Wendy really needed her, she’d ask. Until then, all she could do was hold the other girl at the closest distance allowed and hope that she wasn’t crumbling on the inside. 

“I’m so glad you’re home by the way. To think I lasted so long without your beautiful face around. If not for the fact that people take 24/7 pictures of you all the time I might’ve gone insane. Oh, and sorry again for bringing a guest over when we could’ve been having some well deserved sex by now.” Irene’s eyes widened as she swatted at Wendy’s arm but missed when the other girl got off the couch in one swift motion and began walking towards the kitchen.

“I take it that means you want some wine?” Wendy was already reaching for two glasses as she asked and Irene could do nothing but roll her eyes as Wendy filled both glasses.

“You’re actually unbearable at time.” Irene spoke up as Wendy placed the glass into her hand and joined her back on the couch. Wendy laughed before getting a little closer to Irene’s face than normal rules on personal space would allow.

“But you love me. Remember?” Irene smirked to herself before Wendy laughed again and pecked the lips of the girl in front of her and leaned back to take a sip of wine.


	4. Misinterpretation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's hard to understand what's going on in someone else's head.

The water was too hot.

Wheein could feel it burn lines of red into her skin and yet she stood there and embraced it. It masked any attempt at cold the outside world could muster alongside masking the soft sting of tears as they rolled over Wheein’s cheeks.

It was a silent sort of crying. There was no real passion or emotion behind it, just an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. That built in part of every human that tells them when they’ve reached their limit seemed to have snapped in Wheein, and she couldn’t hold back the tears that the dam like inhibitor had been holding back.

She wasn’t even quite sure what to make of her night. 

One moment, she’d been sitting on a railing wishing for an end that was running towards her at an uncomfortably fast pace, and the next moment she was watching such an easy display of affection between two people she’d only just met that seemed to stand in stark contrast to her own version of intimacy. 

If she was harsh waves against a rocky shore, they were a subtle breeze that accompanied summer days. If she had been in any other state of mind, she might have felt the common pang of jealousy ripple through her, but that wasn’t what she felt now. How she felt was becoming more and more indescribable as she sat beneath the stream of water encompassing her body.

To be honest, Wheein wasn’t even sure why she’d decided on showering. It wasn’t like she hadn’t done the exact same thing earlier that day, and yet there she was. Perhaps she did know though, but admitting that the lingering smell of another's bed still clung to her skin and the chill of river air still choked her lungs was harder than she might’ve imagined. 

She just wanted to rid herself of the feelings that had been seared into her body. She showed no outward signs, but on the inside, Wheein felt so much more than broken and bruised. She was shattered and ruined. 

That wasn’t what she wanted right now. Right now, all she wanted was to feel warm.

Wheein stepped out of the shower with a reluctant motion that some might’ve classified as regretful. They wouldn’t be wrong to say such things. The look on Wheein’s face was enough to confirm any suspicion and she knew it.

When she made it to the bathroom mirror and wiped off the steam that had collected onto the glass, Wheein was faced with a girl who she’d never assumed to be herself. After tonight, Wheein half expected herself to look like a beggar on the side of the street, yet as she looked into her own reflection, all Wheein saw was the girl she’d been for months, years. She was just Wheein.   
Part of that scared her, because it could only mean one of two things. Either she’d been trained well enough to be fully recovered after one shower, or she’d felt this way for so long that it’d grown around her like a new skin. She felt the latter was the most likely, and she’d be lying if she said that didn’t make her want to find another railing to test her limits on. 

She shook her head in a physical attempt to rid her mind of such thoughts. It didn’t do much, but you can’t blame someone for trying.

A knock on the bathroom door was what really grabbed her mind away from less desirable avenues.

“Hey Wheein, I’m leaving some clothes outside the door. I have to head to bed because I have a stupid midterm tomorrow, but Irene will be up for a while so she’ll help you out if you need anything. Night.”

That was all Wendy said before Wheein was once again left to her own thoughts. 

Wendy as a whole was something that had carefully worked her way into Wheein’s mind and she wasn’t quite sure how to take the girl.

When she’d been kind enough to stop, Wheein had just assumed she’d been doing what any decent person might, but something about her reminded Wheein of family, as if tonight hadn’t been the first night she’d come into contact with the girl even if she knew it was. That level of comfortability was something Wheein had become increasingly thankful for in the past few hours and she didn’t think she could be more thankful to the other girl.

Wheein carefully grabbed the clothes from outside of the bathroom door before slipping into them and heading out. She made her way to the living room upon hearing the soft sounds of the television playing. She was the farthest thing from tired, so she figured television wasn’t the worst idea. 

Wheein was met by the indifferent gaze of Irene before the other girl turned her head to face the television once more. Wheein carefully made her way to the couch and silently asked for permission to sit down before joining the stone-like girl. The television was playing, but Wheein could swear that the world was standing still as she sat there in the uncomfortable silence of the room. What can one say to another they’d only just met, yet already faced such unusual circumstances with?

“Wendy told me what happened.” Wheein was shocked to hear a voice pierce through the room. Half of her had expected that they’d just sit in silence until one of them decided that sleep would be more preferable. 

“You don’t have to say anything. Just know that I get it. I don’t know exactly why you ended up on that railing, but I definitely understand the allure of it all.” Wheein wasn’t exactly sure where Irene was going with her words, but she sat silently and listened all the same. Sunbae or not in terms of professionalism, Irene was still older than her in actual age.

“What I’m trying to say is, if you’re beating yourself up about getting to that place, don’t. It’s not your fault that the world is cruel or that people are just as awful sometimes. So, just be happy with the fact that you’re still here, and try not to get stuck on where you’ve been. What matters is that you didn’t do it. You were strong enough to keep going, and that’s what you should keep in your mind. Not that you reached a point where you thought you weren’t so strong.”

Wheein didn’t quite know what to say. While she was sure that Wendy wouldn’t keep her situation to herself, at least from her girlfriend, Wheein hadn’t imagined that Irene would mention it so outright or that she’d have such advice to give.

Wheein would be lying if she said she hadn’t been disappointed in herself for reaching that place in her mind. She’d always thought she was stronger than that, and yet she was sure she wouldn’t be around at the moment if not for Wendy. Irene sitting there and telling her that it was ok to feel that way and that her strength came from continuing on was unexpectedly what she needed to hear. 

She couldn’t find the words to express that appreciation though, and Irene seemed to understand that as she continued talking and allowed Wheein to sit with her thoughts.

“Also, sorry about...what you saw earlier. Normally we’re very careful, but obviously I didn’t know… Either way, thank you for not reacting poorly.” Irene’s head bowed slightly and Wheein nodded slightly.

“I meant it...ya know--when I said I wasn’t uncomfortable. I...I um, I’m the same.” Wheein hadn’t ever said that before. While she’d always silently known it and expressed it in her usual desires, she never outright said it to anybody before and despite knowing that Irene was probably the last person who’d react negatively, it was still a scary thing to acknowledge out loud.

Irene didn’t say anything. It was disconcerting for Wheein, but when she saw the other girl nod slightly to herself, she realized she wasn’t being shunned. If anything, this was Irene’s most sincere form of understanding.

“It must be rough for you. I got lucky with my bandmates, manager, and of course Wendy. I know that’s not everyone's reality though.” If Wheein was starting to understand anything about Irene, it was that she didn’t say too much, but what she did say meant more than it sounded like at first listen. The sense of solidarity that exuded from Irene’s lips was enough to make Wheein feel a little teary-eyed, but she swallowed those down and looked at Irene once more.

“Actually, I don’t think my group has any issue with it in general. Honestly...that’s why I’m here I guess. They’re a little too understanding in some ways.” Wheein watched as Irene’s face contorted slightly in confusion before she realized that she needed to elaborate.

“My group member. She...well she’s like me. Or something close to it. I don’t know, I’ve never really asked.” Irene nodded slightly as she started to put the pieces together but continued to allow Wheein to speak.

“She...I---we have had...um...relations...for a few years now, but never anything past...physical stuff.” Wheein looked at her hands while she spoke. She really couldn’t discern why she was spilling her soul to the girl in front of her, but there she was, blabbering on.

“I...I found myself liking her more than I should’ve... and then I realized that I was nothing more than a toy to her.” The last part Wheein said in a whisper. It was almost too painful to say despite her having thought it on repeat for the vast majority of the night. 

The room fell silent for a time while Irene seemed to absorb the new found knowledge. The only sounds that pestered on were the incoherent words of the television that had long been drowned out by the pair.

“When I first became a trainee, I had a huge crush on this other girl. She was one of my roommates at the time so we grew pretty close. I didn’t realize that I was more than admiring the way she danced or sang or pretty much existed. I just assumed that I was aspiring to be like her so I could get my chance at a debut. One night, I walked into our room and found her talking on the phone to some boy I’d never heard of and I got angry with her. When it happened, I thought I was mad about her risking a potential debut over a boy. She couldn’t understand why I’d acted that way though and she ended up switching rooms and not speaking to me again. It was horrible. Losing her is what made me realize that I’d seen her as more than a friend. Eventually, the managers did find out about the boy she was seeing and they ended her contract on the spot and I never saw her again.” 

Wheein wasn’t sure what Irene was getting at. She’d assumed she was trying at solidarity, but it wasn’t clicking very well in Wheein’s mind. She wanted to give Irene time to make her point though, so she waited as Irene collected her thoughts once more.

“I’m guessing you went through something similar. Of course, it’s possible that you didn’t and I just droned on about a story of the past that you couldn’t care less about, but on the off chance that is similar to you, let me give a piece of advice. I wouldn’t have lost a close friend if I’d understood my own emotions. I also wouldn’t have lost a friend if they’d been able to see what I was feeling. Maybe whoever you’re in this with, is like my friend, and maybe you just keep missing the point of each others actions and reactions. So, maybe try to understand where you’re coming from so you can better express to them what they need to see.”

Wheein almost choked on the realization catching her throat. Irene really was something else when it came to explaining things, but that wasn’t the point. 

In all her time feeling upset, Wheein hadn’t taken any time to try and make those feelings apparent to Hyejin. If anything, she’d actively hidden them until the moment that they all crashed on her like a weight. It made her sick to think that she could’ve died without having shown what she was going through to anyone and yet there she sat in the apartment of the one that had connected her back to the ground.

Irene nodded once more to Wheein before a click sounded the turning off of the television that had been a constant reminder to Wheein that she wasn’t in some crazy abyss with only Irene to keep her from drifting. 

As Irene moved off the couch and gave a soft squeeze to Wheein’s shoulder, Wheein was suddenly alone with her own thoughts.

She couldn’t say for sure, but she felt like she had almost done something wrong. Had Hyejin hurt her, absolutely, but she’d never taken the time to tell Hyejin that. As much as she would like to think the other girl could read her like a book, it’s sometimes impossible to glean the true feelings of another if they are actively trying to hide them from you. Yet, that’s exactly what Wheein had done and expected something to be done about by Hyejin when she hadn’t even given her a fighting chance. 

She had to at least give her a fighting chance, right?

Wheein was jolted by the sound of a phone message coming in. She’d almost forgotten that she had her phone on her as she hadn’t used it all night. 

Taking it out from her pocket, Wheein was surprised to see a message from Hyejin shine on her screen. With a shaky finger, Wheein clicked the message and rushed to input her passcode.

What faced her was something that she wasn’t overwhelmingly expecting. She wished she could interpret it differently than how it felt like it was meant, but she couldn’t help herself as the tears started to fall from her eyes.

“You left your jacket here. Come get it.”

There was no question of ‘Why did you leave?’ or ‘Are you ok?’. The only concern was that Wheein had left a piece of herself at Hyejin’s and now Hyejin wanted it removed like it was a cancerous cell and not something as simple as a jacket. 

Wheein wanted to believe Irene. She wanted to believe that she was just misinterpreting Hyejin, but as she looked at that text message with watery eyes, she could do nothing but be reminded of where she stood with Hyejin. Even if Hyejin could see how she felt, what would it change? All she was was a toy, and toys don’t feel. They exist to be played with and left behind in time.

Wheein felt like a toy.

As she sobbed in the living room of a strangers apartment, Wheein saw no way to ever not be a toy in the eyes of Hyejin. 

So why should try to change her opinion?


End file.
